I think youre right, but I think just as often people jump to an abuse/controlling scenario when it involves a relationship. I have one. The whole phrase what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas bothers him. This gives me hope that one day Ill have that too! Iasked ifI could come. Its just such a common conference/trade show city! For example, Fiance didnt want me to take night classes for my certification because the parking lot had a lot of trees and shrubs where predators could hideand there were a lot of guys taking these classes. I strongly suspect it is not actually about Vegas, but perhaps a trip full of family friendly activities there could solve his issue if it is, in fact, about Vegas. Las Vegas is not my favorite place ever because I dont love big crowds or gambling, but its just a city. At that point, the OP has some really solid information far more useful and on point than anything that the internet commentariate can provide her. Even if you dont get fired or demoted, youre showing that you arent reliable to do normal business things, and youre missing out on opportunities to grow your career and to network etc. Vegas isnt a magical dimension. Youre obviously free to disagree, but I think its archaic and not okay. Your brain chemistry & brain function is literally abnormal, for a start. My point was, shes hearing about friends opinions second-hand. OPs husband doesnt seem like he would have mentioned it if it didnt support his own opinion. Yeah, there were some shady businesses. I would completely understand if my partner were worried if I needed to go on one of these trips, but if he tried to FORBID me from goingyeah, that wouldnt go well for him. This. he needs to straighten hisstuffout. Dont defend yourself and dont attack him. He was there for a conference, and she was there for a bachelorette party. Another option is to share infowhen you get there take a picture of where you are stayingshow the agenda, let him know what you are doing, check in at the end of the night. And you will regret it even more if your marriage ends and you put yourself in a worse position just to appease irrational fears. Im sorry I love my wife and Ive been to Vegas myself and my wife hasnt traveled that much. Main Menu Its tough but definitely not impossible. About 3 months in (together 3 years now), I went for a very long walk, in a not-well-lit, bad sidewalks area, as I was used to doing. When an argument starts stop trying to persuade him or defend yourself. If it was possible to take him along I could see that potentially helping if the main issue is wrong information and assumptions. My then-husband and I spent three days in Vegas with two other couples, and the most sinful thing we did was see a strip show that our group leader had accidentally bought us all tickets to. I have informed him and he hasnt taken it very well. I see where youre coming from, Detective, but I think the additions of spiked drinks and kidnappings shift it for me a little bit toward anxiety. My Husband Wants My Mother- In- Law on The Trip!!! And he, I think, talked that out with a therapist eventually. It got dark on my (2-hour!) :), That reminds me of this Captain Awkward letter: https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, Were now in a position where he thinks Ive made a mistake with the breakup, and that I did not adequately justify my reasons for ending it.. She has mentioned it makes her sad, but she takes the obey part of her vows very seriously. Certainly do not risk your career by bailing on this completely reasonable work trip. The only sides are you both addressing a bad frame of reference that your spouse has. I also dont think cultural relativity is relevant when OP is clearly uncomfortable with his behaviour. 2 junio, 2022; google load balancer path prefix rewrite; how much does it cost to join peninsula yacht club . So yeah, this isnt something that everyone feels, nor is it reasonable. I think (I hope!) If you leave it as a well go eventually and never book it, and also never talk about it, things are gonna get worse. I actually agree that the comment section here can jump to that explanation a little too quickly and without anything in the letter to support it, but they arent in hysterics about it. My husband has some mental health issues (and some life experiences) that make him prone to excessive worry when I travel for work, and in my last job, I traveled A LOT. Spouses dont LET. Wow. I lived in Ottawa, our nations capital and it all suburbs and boring. And she would always schedule conferences for her small business in Vegas, for the exact reasons you listed. Ill take bizarrely leading questions for 600, Alex. I trust my wife but I dont trust a lot of strange people. We arent gamblers either. The more I advance in my company, an the more trips I take, the harder it gets. Lastly, there are some religious communities where it would be fairly normal for the husband not to let the wife travel, and for worries about infidelity to be one of the main reasons why. For anyone who has traveled for business, it is a dream destination because it is convenient. The next step absolutely should be counseling, but I dont know that its fair for us to fault the OP for not making it the first step, you know? Thank you for sharing your story withus this iswhat weve come upwith: How would you react ifyou were inMayas shoes? Yeah Im trying to tell myself this kind of misconception is the kindest possible explanation. Im in business, so of course I know that a lot of conferences and normal things to do there, but its a little disingenuous to claim that a location that intentionally markets itself as Sin City doesnt at least have a rep for vice. Rape! I really wish people would take the time to think beyond their first assumption in issues like this. Hello thanks for the comment but I do work I manage over 400 rental properties and Im a professional gardener for a estate. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. And even if you werent going to your cousins house! Ive lived in Vegas for over a decade and have attended many, many conferences here as well as in other cities. And theres more but I here these comments and the whole story wasnt told. It can feel very cruel to set boundaries and do what you need to do for yourself when it feels like your partner is suffering, but the accommodations are just very temporary band-aids. Is this a relationship problem that could be remedied with counseling? I think on a more general level Spouse doesnt want me to go *can* be an actual, non-abusive thing, in certain circumstances (new baby at home for example, or a health crisis or other emergency where Hey, is there ANY way you can get out of this trip? might be a reasonable thing to ask. We had dinner at night and then literally went to sleep the moment we returned from dinner. I cordially dislike Vegas. Husband needs to chill, big time. I think its also quite possible that hes either misrepresented it to the people hes asked, misrepresented their responses to the OP, and/or hasnt actually asked as many people as hes said he has. For example, I dont gamble and drugs, etc have no appeal. Display any widget here. He is just jealous that he cant get off work and go with me! From my experience with family members with these issues, I needed to learn how to help create a healing environment at home. One doesnt just spontaneously undo decades of enculturation, on either side, and women are taught that we are *supposed* to accept emotional baggage AND that it is OUR JOB to do the emotional labor of fixing other peoples negative emotional states. I highly doubt these people genuinely agree with him, but are more likely playing the supportive friend role. My in-laws (who I no longer speak to) freaked out when my wife and I got our current apartment because they found out it was across the street from the best Mexican restaurant in our city. My husband was very upset. (Of course, I live in New Orleans, where we do not need to seek out extra liveliness.) But I did find pictures of her with male strippers so yeah Im nervous shes younger and hasnt traveled like I have the world can be dangerous. He is ambitious & caring.His insecurities have gotten the best of him in this situation. He loves listening to me talk about my trips and my hobbies and adventures, and I love hearing him talk about how he spends hours painting toy soldiers. What to Expect supports Group Black and its mission to increase greater diversity in media voices and media ownership. Theyve had a lot of issues actually, and it kind of doesnt work for her. Co-worker had a wonderful time. (Overeating or eating rich foods, drinking, drugs, gambling, or sex?) My professional association alternates years between Vegas and Disney for its annual conference because those two places are both great for massive groups of people at a reasonable price. He wouldnt try and prevent me from going on one of those trips because it is work, but he used to fret quite a bit and if I didnt text when he expected (or didnt have phone service) he would panic (as in call highway patrol level panic). Your baby may like the car but that is a long ride and a big change for LO so it'll be ok but may not be as smooth as your imagining. (Also worth mentioning: The ways weve developed the concept of masculinity in the US mean that many guys express anxious feelings as anger, so look out for that too.) rarely cede ground. Also theres a debate up thread about if prostitution is legal in Vegas (seems to be no, but it is legal nearby). But if all your life experiences back it up, its not until youre faced with a new point of view (i.e., your wife goes on a business trip) that any of these beliefs even come to the surface. Absolutely. Can you cut it out, or find someone else to talk to about your worry?. So this is a relationship question, as Allison and others have said. Then I realized that he was not being irrational he was worried, and it was not a burden for me just to check in once in awhile, especially if I am on unfamiliar dark roads. Its like he thinks Vegas exists in some parallel universe with different logic and laws of physical, and that upon landing in Vegas all of his wifes usual behavioral norms and all concern for her life beyond Vegas will simply evaporate. I might also take your friends statement a step further, and point out that hes the one making your marriage adversarial. Ive traveled to all kinds of interesting destinations where Ive only seen the inside of the airport and conference rooms. Indifference. Even if it is a general anxiety issue, speaking as someone with plenty of personal experience with that, theres still a relationship issue here. Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? I definitely do know what you mean, and what the OP describes is definitely on the problematic side of asking for permission she listed off reasons the husband has given that she shouldnt go to this particular place, not reasons why it would be logistically difficult for him or any other rational concerns. (And yes, counseling 100%, do ASAP since whatever the underlying cause is, not likely to just disappear. And people are all I wouldnt let my wife go we have done bigger problems here. And voila- you're on the coast! Context does not change would into wouldnt. 33 answers. Out alone after dark = commuting to a job that has normal office hours. There is SO much more to Vegas than gambling, booze, and illicit sex. Im almost always jealous of the cool stuff he sees in his job, but I cant imagine being angry or upset about the trips. Note to the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Bureau. I think that theres value in saying, this could be going on, and it might be something to watch out for, but definitive statements that range far, far beyond whats in the letter are really problematic, both because they can end up being irrelevant and because they can make the OP dismiss the rest of the input being offered, because the read on that particular aspect the situation is incorrect. I asked three people: Me, myself, and I. And then a few answers like well, I wouldnt exactly be happy and yes, Jane needs nine hours of sleep every night and Id really miss her can be heard as my friends wouldnt like it either. From there, LWs husband might turn even one joking Id tell her she had to stay home, they cant make her go into I asked my friends, and they wouldnt let their wives do that, and might not even realize that this wasnt what all of his friends thought or how their marriages work. How Vacations Can Help or Harm Your Relationship Its crazy how often this happens. Dont engage with his arguments. My mom is the same way. Perhaps this is exhibiting itself in more ways than just this instance, and if so, its especially something youll want to address head on and as a team. Since I took the position five years ago, they have sent management on a three-day business trip each year. Its the inappropriate (in typical American business culture) reaction of the husband thats the issue here, not whether its legitimate to try and get out of business trips sometimes. I cant speak for anyone but IMHO a little travel, twice a year or so is fine and take your spouse if you can but this several overnights monthly is not what I signed up for. Theres concern, and then theres overreacting. While she comes back with great stories of what she saw people doing, shes never felt in danger or anything like that. Hes already proven himself to be irrational, I think his presence will not help LW even a little. I currently live in a part of London that Ive heard described as a no-go area for those reasons. You could likely even say to a bystander, hey something is weird here, and they would help you. There are many issues at play here. If the city is a well known destination to indulge in vices ( sex outside of a relationship for pay, drinking, drugs, gambling) than its fair to say that its not the most wholesome location. Rationalist who is deeply against living by social norms is a great big flashing warning sign that says DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THIS PERSON. OK! Ive felt less safe in a couple of places in my own city. Ah, but you have a job, and Im guessing are presumably a more equal breadwinner in your household. If your husband doesnt trust you to handle three days sitting in conference rooms in Las Vegas with your coworkers, thats a fundamental relationship problem. We stay at mid-level resorts and usually pay about $40 a night. We are often there and then take the metro across town to the apartment where we stay at midnight. But regardless, he needs to respect the demands of her job and treat her like an adult. On the flip side however, I do know some couples who havent spent a night apart in 20+ years. The place is set up for meetings and conferences, has so many airline and flight options, plenty of cabs/Lyfts/Ubers, and staff at the facilities has run into every possible issue that can crop up. I think that it is much more scary to be hurt by someone you know, so people are more likely to believe in the bogeyman dark alley scenario. Obviously when I say five hours it would be added time for stopping. When I first moved to the city, my mom told me to never, ever go anywhere after dark. I love my husband to bits, hes a good man, but I would never ever ever want to be in a position where I was financially dependent on him. One day was outside. We always have a good laugh when one of my husbands coworkers asks him, You actually let your wife go away without you? I agree in principle, but I think its easy for certain couples with significant shared responsibilities to fall into the language of permission, and its not always a red flag. So, considering that this issue really could be either one, I suppose its no wonder were seeing a lot of both here and it feels like they arecompeting? It's essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you don't share the same enthusiasm. I knew that Counsling was the best step but I needed professional advice to confirm my thoughts. It doesnt take the anxiety away, but it seemed to dull some of the crazier bits. think twice before sharing personal details, foster a friendly and supportive environment, remove fake accounts, spam and misinformation, delete posts that violate our community guidelines, reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts. This is bound to make them curious and excited. Yes, this. And he wouldnt like it either, wed be heading down to the pool and see people going to conferences and feel sorry for them that they had to spend the day inside while we sat in the sun with a mojito.